The Way I Am
by CeedyBaby21
Summary: After crashing Morty and the break up with Clare; Eli has to figure out how to move past his possesive behavoir. Rated M:Language, Future: Sexual Content, and Drug usage.
1. Chapter 1: Institutionalize

**_I do not own anything Degrassi...i wish_**

**This begins right before Eli returns to school after crashing Morty. Hope you enjoy! :)**

_It had been three months since Eli crashed his car. When he and Clare broke up he told his dad he wished it was him instead of Morty. Bullfrog and CeCe then decided to institutionalize Eli. He hasn't been able to be in contact with anyone, but his parents since then._

Eli sat quietly in the waiting room, tapping his foot and listening to music on his head phones. He had been sitting there or ten minutes, but in his head it felt more like an hour. He looked up as the secretary motioned for him to come into the office.

"Finally." He said to himself getting up out of the seat. As he entered the office he made at half smile "Dr. Brown." He said meeting his psychologist.

"Hello Eli." Dr. Brown answered with a warm smile as Eli sat in the seat in front of her. "Are you doing well today?" she then asked.

"No." Eli answered in a quiet voice while looking down at the floor.

"Oh? And why would that be?" Dr. Brown asked then waited for a response. When she didn't get one she spoke again "Would this be because school starts tomorrow?"

Eli looked up and bit down on his lip. He looked at Dr. Brown for a second before he shook his head.

"Then what is it? Is it because you are going to see Clare?" Dr. Brown questioned as she scribbled down something in her notebook.

"What the fuck are you writing?" Eli questioned annoyed.

"Eli." Dr. Brown said referring to his language.

"Please. Just don't mention her name today." Eli then stated.

"Eli school starts tomorrow. It was only three months ago when you tried to kill yourself because of her." Dr. Brown stated watching as Eli's temper was about to flair.

"I DIDN'T try to kill myself!" Eli yelled.

"Eli…" Dr. Brown tried to make a statement but Eli got out of his seat to cut her off.

"I'm tired of you saying that! I didn't try to kill myself!" Eli said standing over his psychologist. When he noticed that doing this itself would make him look crazier than everyone already thought he was, so he sat back down. Soon as he sat down he nervously ran his fingers through his hair and began tapping his foot.

"I'm sorry Eli." Dr. Brown then stated calmly "You tried to 'kill' your car?" she then questioned hearing this story before.

"Yes. His name was Morty." Eli answered folding his arms his face showed that he wanted to cry.

"Why would you try to kill Morty while you were inside?" Dr. Brown then asked.

"She said she didn't want…" Eli paused as Dr. Brown listened for the same story they had went through all summer.

Dr. Brown seen patients all the time, and these types of emotions and personalities never bothered her. Something about Eli challenged her, and made her feel for him. Eli had been a mess all summer not wanting to face the fact that subconsciously he could have killed himself, and wanted to.

"Eli. We can stop here if you want." Dr. Brown smiled and said.

"I'll be fine." Eli said.

This was his last day in the hospital. In just a matter of hours he would be leaving to go home. Eli kind of wanted to stay so he wouldn't have to face what was to come, but Eli did miss hanging with Adam and having some sort of freedom.

Two hours had passed, Eli waited with his bags looking out of the window. Eli smiled a little bit when he saw Bullfrog walk up to the door.

"Hey kid." Bullfrog said when he saw Eli sitting there. "You ready to go home?"

The whole ride home Bullfrog and Eli were silent. When they got home Eli got out of the car and seen CeCe standing on the front porch smiling.

"Welcome home baby boy." CeCe said opening the car door and grabbing Eli almost out of the car hugging him.

Eli didn't say anything he just wanted to his room and sit there for a while. After gathering his things Eli made his way upstairs to his room.

Bullfrog looked at CeCe with a worried look.

"It will be fine." CeCe said to Bullfrog as they walked into the house. No later than three seconds later they heard the thunder of Eli's footsteps running down the stairs.

"What did you do?" Eli asked looking at CeCe.

"I cleaned your room." CeCe answered feeling a bit nervous.

"Where is everything?" Eli said shaking a little bit.

"Eli just calm down. Dr. Brown said it would be for your own good." Bullfrog stepped in and said.

"Don't tell me to calm down!" Eli said looking at Bullfrog.

"You have to make steps to get over this. Hoarding will not help you get over Clare." CeCe then stated knowing his reaction.

"Eli trust us we just want what's best for you." Bullfrog then said.

"I don't know who to trust anymore."


	2. Chapter 2: How could she?

**_Here's chapter two Eli's finally back at Degrassi! Enjoy._**

_Her smile is as warm as the sun. The warm sun turned dark one day __Her eyes twinkle like the stars  
><em>

Eli sat on Degrassi's steps writing in his notebook. "Its official I suck" Eli said as he slammed his notebook closed. He stood up quickly accidently bumping into someone "Oh Sor…" Then he saw her.

"Hey." Eli smiled. Seeing Clare after being locked away for so long was something he looked forward to.

"Um. Hey." Clare answered without any eye contact starting to walk into the school. Eli stood there and shook his head in disbelief. Even if he and Clare were broken they could still be friends…right?

"That didn't look like it went so well."

Eli turned around hearing the familiar voice , and almost wanted to jump for joy.

"Adam were you standing there the whole time as I made an ass out of myself" Eli then said.

"Of course." Adam answered as the two made their way into the school.

"Why did she react like that? What did I do?" Eli then questioned.

"You crashed a car to prove your love." Adam then answered sarcastically.

"I meant. Other than that." Eli then answered.

"So how are you feeling now?" Adam then asked when he walked up to his locker.

"I'm good." Eli answered

"You are?" Adam asked to make sure. Eli smirked at him instead of answering.

"Well I'm going to class. I'll see you at lunch!" Adam said walking off.

Eli stood there for a second playing with his IPod.

"Freak!" he then heard as he looked up he was pushed so hard into the lockers he fell to the floor. Grabbing his arm he looked up to see who was standing over him.

"Fitz?"

"Yea that's right." Fitz said then kneeled down to Eli's level "Just a warning. Stay away from Clare."

Fitz looked to see if Eli had anything to say and then walked off. Eli was in so much shock that Fitz was at Degrassi he didn't know what to say.

"Are you ok?" he heard a soft voice say as she reached out her hand.

Eli shook his head to reject her help, and got up off of the floor.

"Do you know that kid?" the soft voice then said.

"Yea." Eli said finally answering the girl. "I'm sorry who are you?" he then said.

"Imogen."

Eli smiled "Thanks for the help." He said as he started to walk off.

"Wait!" Imogen yelled out as Eli turned around "Well aren't you going to tell me your name?"

Eli smiled again and turned around to continue walking. He finally made it to class.

"Oh Mr. Goldsworthy I thought you might have been standing me up today. I see you are just late." Ms. Dawes said as she motioned for him to sit in the front of the class.

"Never Ms. Dawes. Always a pleasure." Eli answered as he made his way to the front of the class. He sat down and looked behind him to his right. For a moment him and Clare's met.

Eli gave a small smile as Clare then looked down at her notebook. Eli then turned forward to look listen to what the teacher was saying.

"This Semester will be all about music lyrics. What do they mean and how they relate to you." Ms. Dawes explained to the class.

Eli couldn't help himself so he turned around again to look at Clare. She wouldn't look up, and she wouldn't even acknowledge him. Being out of the hospital had made him feel normal again. While things at home were intense he felt a sense of normalcy while being at school.

Fifty minutes had passed and class was finally over Eli looked back and seen Clare walk towards the door. He was going to have a conversation with her and show her that he still loved her. He gathered his things and almost ran to the door after her.

"Hey Cl…" he wasn't ready for what he seen. It was Fitz and…Clare. Fitz grabbed her hand and kissed her on the forehead as they began to walk the other way.

Eli balled his hand into a fist as his face dropped into a frown. While his exterior showed his anger his heart was shattering into a million pieces.

How could she?


	3. Chapter 3: She's Back

**Here's a new chapter. I hope u like.**

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><p>For the whole day Eli realized he couldn't think, speak, or even write without it being about Clare. Later on in the day he sat on the steps with Adam rocking back and forth waiting for Bullfrog to pick them up.<p>

"Are you ok?" Adam then asked after what seemed like hours of silence.

"My leg hurts." Eli answered with hostility behind his words.

"Yea…ok." Adam rolled his eyes. Not a moment later Bullfrog pulled up in a pickup truck.

"Sorry I'm late boys!" Bullfrog yelled from the car.

"Well it's about time." Eli answered as he opened the passenger door to the truck.

"What's your problem kid?" Bullfrog asked taken back by his attitude.

"He's got girl problems as usual." Adam answered with a laugh, while climbing in the backseat of the truck behind Eli.

"Shut up Adam!" Eli answered as his eyes told him not to talk too much.

"What did your shrink say about Clare?" Bullfrog questioned. When he didn't get a he looked over at Eli staring out of the window. "Eli…"

"Bullfrog!" Eli said in a loud voice clenching his teeth. "Can we just not talk about Clare or therapist for one day?" He then said lowering his voice.

"I'm sorry." Bullfrog said putting the truck in gear to drive off. "But…" he then said but was cut off by Eli.

"But what? I'm tired of everyone treating me like I'm crazy." Eli answered.

"I'm not trying to. I just want to make sure you're alright." Bullfrog then answered as Eli looked over at him. "I know you are hurting, and I know things will be alright. I just don't know if you know that."

Eli sighed seeing the genuine worry in Bullfrog's face. The car fell completely silent, and Eli's thoughts had seemed to become obsessive, confused, scrambled, and scary all at once. The only consistency Eli could think of was Clare.

**(CLARE P.O.V)  
><strong>

Clare was washing the dishes in the kitchen while her mom and Alli chatted away about a number of things. Clare wasn't paying attention though, she was deep in thought about what she would do, or say when she finally saw Eli again.

"Clare honey." Ms. Edwards said noticing her daughter's silence.

"Yes?" Clare answered as she quickly turned around forgetting she was holding a very expensive bowl. The next thing she knew the bowl was falling to the floor, and then shattering in to what seemed to her a million pieces.

"Are you ok?" Ms. Edwards asked quickly retrieving the broken pieces of the bowl on the floor. Clare stood there in shock for a second still startled "Clare?"

"I-I'm so sorry mom." Clare then answered dropping down quickly to help pick up the broken pieces.

"It's ok Clare." Ms. Edwards answered then looked at Clare's frantically picking up the pieces. "Calm down. I'll go get a broom." She then said holding Clare's hands. Once assured Clare had calmed down she left the room.

Clare sighed and looked up at a shocked Alli.

"Wow. Are you ok?" Alli then asked.

"I'm fine. I just have a lot on my mind." Clare explained.

"Like what?" Alli asked with a smirk "Eli?"

"I don't know what to do now that he's back." Clare then answered.

"How about keep living your life….normally." Alli answered.

"I feel like I'm not living at all when I'm without him." Clare answered as Alli looked at her strangely not know what to say. Luckily at that moment Ms. Edwards entered back into the room.

Clare meditated on what she had just said to Alli, and she knew she needed to talk to him.

**(ELI P.O.V)**

Eli sat on the back steps of his house. Tonight just like every night he couldn't sleep.

"_Why so glum Chum?" _A familiar sarcastic voice startled Eli as he looked to the right of him he nearly jumped out of his skin.

"What are you doing here?" He asked nearly in tears "I thought…"

"_You thought what? That you had gotten rid of me forever? As long as you still love me I'll be here."_

Eli closed his eyes and raised his hands to cover his ears "You're not real, you're not real." He then opened his eyes and looked at the very person he last wanted to see.

"Julia, don't do this to me again." Eli found himself saying followed by a sob.

"_You are doing this to yourself." Julia then said taking a puff of a cigarette. "You know Clare is never coming back. Not as long as I'm here."_

"Stop it!" Eli yelled.

"Eli!" he heard somebody yell behind him. He turned around and saw that it was just Adam.  
>Suddenly he felt his knees give out, and fell to the ground. Adam ran over in a panic.<p>

"Eli, are you ok? What's wrong?" Adam questioned trying to help Eli up.

"Stop it! Leave me alone!" Eli yelled as Adam fell back onto the ground in shock.

Adam noticed Eli's hands shaking nonstop, and his face wet from tears. Trying not to freak out, and start running for help Adam got up off the ground, and looked back at Eli who appeared to have started crying again.

"It's ok." Adam said quietly reaching his hand back out to help Eli off the ground. Eli looked up at Adam's concerned face and let him help him off of the ground.

Adam then led Eli back into the house, and up to his room.

"Everything looks better in the morning." Adam then said as Eli sat on his bed look at his best friend.

"Thank you." Eli answered hoarsely.

Adam nodded sleepily and laid back on the futon. "Goodnight."

Eli laid back in the bed in the dark, and used his arm to wipe off his face. He closed his took a deep breath.

"Goodnight."

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><p><strong>Let Me Know what you think! :)<strong>


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